Relationships continue to be one of the most dangerous containers for our emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. They are also the spaces of our most profound growth and insight, good or bad.
Selecting a respectful, present partner is a lot like dance: making a good initial read and choice will reduce your risk and displeasure down the road. Discernment is key.
What are the odds..?
From the CDC: Domestic violence affects millions annually, with more than 10 million people abused each year in the U.S. and 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experiencing it in their lifetime.
These statistics reveal the real proximity and actual risk to us ALL when it comes to relational abuse: if you’re the 3rd woman in a gathering, at least ONE of you, statistically speaking, has experienced some form of domestic abuse. As a male, if you’re the 4th man in a gathering of men, at minimum, ONE out of you has experienced domestic abuse, based on generalized statistics. That means we’re ALL playing a MUCH closer risk game than we often like to admit.
Relational abuse takes many forms: physical being only the most obvious. In MOST cases, physical violence comes as the pinnacle of a Pattern of Abuse predicated on a Power Imbalance. Abusers only mistreat those they believe they can control. Being controllable is a short-term survival strategy to preserve your life until you can build an Exit Plan.
Being underestimated can be a VERY GOOD THING!
Types of Relational Abuse
Abuse is NOT purely physical, NOT restricted to M-F dynamics, and does NOT follow predicable patterns. Every person is unique, and their trauma-informed control dynamics will be unique. Use this guide from the National Domestic Violence Hotline as a quick guide to interpret Your Feelings vs the Behavior of Others. When in Doubt: Get Out. Safe individuals don’t try to force explanations out of you, or try to keep you if you feel uncomfortable. They won’t buy you drinks to “calm you down,” or tell you you’re being unreasonable, aloof, or uncool.
*ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS*
Need Support? Check the Hotline website:
Easy Ways to Test Safety
There are some simple and effective methods you can use to protect yourself in an open dating environment like nights out in Austin, in particular in the dancing community!
Practice Saying “No”
Fawning and People Pleasing is a real problem if you keep ending up in power dynamics that are harmful. As a practice, develop a strong relationship with your “No.” Develop an internal feeling/sense connection with what NO feels like in your body. Try saying NO to small things you want to say Yes to, so you learn what going against your own intuition and instinct feels like. Also practice in small controlled containers, never with loved ones or strangers (that’s called manipulation).
Go Together
Individual safety increases exponentially in groups.
Develop a Buddy System and use it! Plan to meet up, park close, carpool, walk to and from the car, as well as act as buffers for unwanted romantic or sexual attention. Don’t know anyone! Use your skills of observation to find safe allies in our community and befriend them!
Date Smart
Austin and the 2Step Scene can be wonderful places to meet and date your peers! Being open to dating in our community should feel exciting, but our own trauma and blindness to other’s intentions can cloud our judgement and bring unexpected risk.
If you’re open to dating, set an intention. Are you wanting to hook up, date for long-term, etc? Focus on having a great time, regardless of dating success. If someone seems interested: be clear about your intentions.
Get Into the Community
Join the WhatsApp chat, follow the bands, take lessons, follow the 2Step calendars and try different venues. Don’t be desperate to find “the one.” Attention-seeking behavior and desperation are like blood in the water for a relational predator. Add alcohol and the sensuality of a flirtatious dance to any lack of clarity on your part, and suddenly you’re in risky waters. Building community around you protects you and mitigates risk and damage.
FAQs
Is there a way to guarantee personal safety?
No. Personal protection and safety are ALWAYS a living, moving target. Just like the variables of life itself: interacting with Life brings Risk. To become our fully Embodied and Dynamic selves, we must push past perceived comfort zones and encounter Risks. Personal safety isn’t about withdrawing from the world: its a trainable Mindset and learnable Skillset that help us navigate the risk and challenges of personal development and relationships.
If I’m Harmed: Who is To Blame?
Abusers are always the one at fault when harm occurs. Bringing an abuser to justice, however, is not always effective. Preventative measures are always the most effective safety plan. People who are inclined to Use and Abuse others, will do so, given the opportunity. A person cultured to kindness, patience, understanding and non-violence, will choose those values over the option to knowingly use or abuse another. The problem is that we seldom know the true nature of someone’s character until we know them over Time. The #1 BEST way to reduce relational harm is to have Clear Boundaries and hold yourself and your dating partner(s) accountable to them! People who respect you will resect your word and your boundaries BY DEFAULT. People who do not respect others will have strategies against your boundaries. See the Page: Power and Control: The Root Of Violence for more on this. You are NEVER responsible for violence perpetrated against you, however, you can ALWAYS take steps to protect yourself better and reduce risk in the future. Follow the guidelines above, report incidents when it is safe to do so, and talk to allies, venue staff and owners, police, etc., if you feel a Bad Actor has harmed you and may harm others in the future. For 1-1 and group coaching, see my shop for rates.
What Happens When Sh*t Goes Wrong..?
Preventative measures are always your first and best line of protection against predatory behavior. There are two basic types of predatory beharior: Opportunistic and Targeted. An opportunitist predator will be put off be Resistenece. Your first line of defense is to RESIST. Say no to dances, drinks, water, caretaking, even something that seems useful and caretaking, such as offering to escort you to your car, can quickly become a risky situation. SAYING NO early and often will deter these types. If you feel unsafe, immeditately recruit help. Venue staff are trained to watch for and handle the situations if they occur INSIDE or ONSITE. If you leave the venue and allow a stranger to follow you to your car, you are inviting unprotected risk the moment you step out of the venue.
Even if you can’t find friends to go with, check in and check out, share your location, facetime call on site, etc. If you’re too busy for an opportunits to catch your attention, they’ll move on to an easier target.
Targeted predators are harder to shake. They usually have a “type,” not only will they select you early on, they make stalk or track you for a time, and each one’s tolerace is diffenrt.
All predators share a common goal: to get you isolated and vulnerable to Use or Abuse.
IF YOU FEEL UNSAFE: ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT
Say NO Early and Often
Stay close to friends, or make a friend for the night
Do not walk alone or with someone you just met to your vehicle
NEVER go to a secondary location unless you fully trust and have vetted them
Get information from/about them: Phone number, license plate, valid ID ( snap a photo and text it to a girlfriend)
NEVER Allow another person to Minimize your Fears or Concerns. This is a tactic (see the Power Wheel above) abusers use to position themselves as an authority over YOUR OWN INSTINCT.
Whatever reason ANYONE has to judge, shame, blame or minimize you: is about THEM, not YOU. Everyone has “stuff,” and many of the people in the Austin Dance Community have significant trauma in their background. Pressuring others against their will is ALWAYS wrong, regardless of that person’s reason for resistance or fear. Everyone progresses at their own rate of comfort and evolution, and truly caring individuals are capable of holding space and grace for it.
When is Vulnerability a Superpower?
Toxic relational aspects thrive in shadows, in our hiding, in our shame, in our desire to manipulate rather than be honest. This flows on BOTH side of relational power dynamics, and it sets up a system of predation by feeding in to the hierarchy of Power as a tool of social construct. Being vulnerable and honest in safe ways can serve as a dismantling tool.
Negotiation 101: Be Willing to Walk Away.
Our unwillingness to give up the Attention, Validation, and the emotional fuel that they give us, is what makes us energetically susceptible to Power dynamics. The targeted predator knows this instinctually, and will feed into your desire for Attention, Affection and Validation, in order to position themselves into Intimacy and Vulnerability. If we are confident and bold enough to be Direct and Clear about our Intentions, our mistrust of someone’s’ agenda towards us, etc., it will signal to the perpetrator that we are Not An Easy Target. Opportunistic predators will balk, leaving a relationship vacuum, they’ll ghost you, date others in front of you to inspire jealousy, etc.
A targeted predator may temporarily see this as a challenge, and have skills at lovebombing and validating, but their goal is the same: to end up at the top of the power game. Once they are, the game will shift, and you’ll begin to see the true nature of abuse.
Read the Substack Article:
- Relationships as a Lifelong Dance of Self-Discovery
- Healing Relationship Trauma Through Dance
- Acceptance and Navigation of People as-they-are, in a world that doesn’t protect the vulnerable
